3/3/21

Dear Atlas,

It’s me, your Dad.

Yesterday was an incredible day for your Mom and me. We got to see your face! Well, part of it. Your hands seem to have gotten in the way . . .

Your Mom and I went for a 4D ultrasound, where we were able to see a few parts of your body in 3D, namely, your hands, eyes, lips . . . and genitals. You’re definitely a little boy!

Seeing you on the ultrasound has been a really special part of the pregnancy. For me, especially. It’s helped me to develop the growing emotional connection to you that occurs between child and Father.

I’ll admit it’s been really hard for me throughout the pregnancy, because I don’t feel a strong connection with you, like your Mom does. She’s the one carrying you, and able to feel every kick, push, and flutter you make inside of her.

You should see the way she loves you, Atlas. Even before you are born, she’s absolutely wild about you.

One of my favorite memories of her involved walking into our bedroom and finding her with a huge smile on her face.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Atlas is ticklish!” she said, and proceeded to tickle the side of her belly, which triggered little movements from you.

Even though she and I have different emotional connections with you (and I think we always will, and are supposed to), the one thing we share is the memories we have during this pregnancy.

We have laughed, loved, traveled the world, and shared our hopes, fears, dreams, and thoughts with each other—with you sandwiched between us in all of these things.

Last night we talked about the connection we’ll share when you’re an infant. I mentioned to your Mom that I felt it would be hard to connect with you as an infant and that I didn’t know how, as your Dad, to give you the things you’d need.

“You can change his diapers, help feed him, hold him, and give him love,” she said.

These things aren’t the native parts of being a Dad that came to mind for me. Yet, she’s right; a big portion of your life involves this sort of love, and it will come long ahead of the times when you and I will have our Father-Son adventures; taking trips to the store, cooking breakfast for your Mom, going on hikes, playing in the ocean, or learning how to change the oil in our cars.

Sometimes I get ahead of myself, Atlas. And I find myself yearning for things that aren’t quite ready yet—just like you! You’re still growing, developing, and putting on weight as you prepare to come into this world.

In so many ways, your Mom and I are also growing a lot during this last trimester. We’re learning how to communicate better, how to respect each other, and, most importantly, how to accept each other as we are without trying to change the other.

As your Dad, that’s my hope for you: that you’ll be raised in an environment where you feel empowered to be yourself and supported by both of your parents no matter what direction you choose to go.

We don’t know what you’ll be like, Atlas. We both wonder what your personality will be like, how you’ll look, what kind of food you’ll like (or spit out), and what you’ll do as a young adult.

That’s part of the beauty that’s you: you’re a little bit of both of us, but we’ve combined to create you, a perfect little human being deserving of love, attention, care, respect, and infinite amounts of cuddling.

Yesterday wasn’t the day to see your face. But I’m okay with that. Soon you will be resting in our arms, and we’ll be able to see you for the beautiful miracle that you are . . . and change your diapers.

I love you,

Dad